human: *is heating up food*
alien: why are you doing that?
human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency
Human: *is eating ice cream*
alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!
human: well, you see, not with this food
This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.
Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*
Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*
Alien: *exasperated sputtering*
Human: shots! shots! shots!
Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.
Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves
Human: *grabs a packet of ramen*
Alien: Based on my research of your species, you shouldn’t be able to consume that without suffering heavy detriment to your human body.
Human: …look man, I’m in college. I can barely afford this house with roommates. Let me appreciate this 50 cent block of sodium ridden noodles.
Alien 1: The human consumed this harmful “ramen” because it is affordable. I saw many others consuming unhealthy but affordable foodstuffs from a place called McDonalds. Based on this, I think we can reasonably assume that all foodstuffs that are unhealthy are also affordable, and that humans will slowly die off because of their economic system.
Alien 2: I visited a different land mass. There were several humans called “sushi chefs” preparing raw fish foodstuffs. The most expensive was made from the carcass of a poisonous blowfish. It was very popular among the wealthy humans.
Alien 3: The land I visited had no nearby places to engage in commerce to trade precooked food. I interviewed a family that trapped and killed animals for dinner. They ate venomous rattlesnakes.
Alien 1: *throws clipboard in the air and storms off*
[Human casually munches peppers]
Alien: According to my scans, that organic matter contains highly corrosive chemicals. Are you sure you should be consuming it?
[Human chokes]
Alien: Human! Are you injured? Do you require assistance??
Human: Ahahaha no no I’m fine, it’s just *snicker* these are just jalapenos!
Alien: ……….request clarification?
Human: I usually go for habaneros, man. Hell, I have a buddy who took two bites of a ghost pepper on a dare.
[Alien consults space Google]
Human: ………Hey man, you okay?
last night i dreamt that the republicans were against the long piece in tetris because they said it was a handout
Fuck I’m at a fencing tournament and literally a minute after I reblogged this my dad told me that he talked to the point people and I’m probably going to win a medal.
BURN BAGEL BURN
OH WHY NOT?
I need to follow up to say I reblogged this last night, and this morning I got some of the best news of my life, like, a life dream come true news thing.
Bagel what are your powers
FUCK, I though it was just another lucky meme but LISTEN. Since a week ago I was waiting a phone call to confirm me if I got a job or not in my university. I reblogged this yesterday’s night “just for fun and because I don’t want any bagel to be mad with me”, and today’s afternoon, while I was losing my time as always, the professor I was supposed to work with called me and asked me for my personal information to start working with her.
THE BAGEL POWERS ARE WAY TOO MUCH FOR THIS WORLD
I GOT A JOB THE DAY AFTER MY QUEUE POSTED THIS THE FIRST TIME AND I JUST REALIZED IT WHEN I SAW IT AGAIN HOLY GOD
The bagel hasn’t let me down yet!
Okay but please because the good news I am waiting on is if my bank is gonna finance my chest surgery or not…
GOTTA REBAGEL THE BAGEL
BE GOOD TO ME BAGEL
ILY BAGEL HELP M
Bagel.. my nigga.. please..
Really really need good news
The best parts of Grease (1978)
- The fact that every single actor is clearly 20 years older than their character
- The opening is animated for almost no reason
- The one boy sitting in the girls’ section during “Summer Nights” just… daydreaming… staring off into space. I don’t think he even knows there’s a musical number going on
- Patty calls herself a clod
- If you pause the end of “Summer Nights” in the right place Sandy’s face is right in the middle of a pole
- Sandy pukes when she sees blood??? what does she do during her period??
- Danny’s face creepily showing up in the pool during “Hopelessly Devoted to You”
- The people who work in the car shop just kinda staring awkwardly at the Greasers during “Greased Lightning” like they have no idea wtf they’re doing
- The entirety of “Beauty School Dropout”
- One of the boys spikes the punch and when questioned says he was washing his hands in it
- THE FRIGGIN FBI WAS CALLED IN TO FIND OUT WHO WAS MOONING THE CAMERA LIKE HOW MUCH FREETIME DID THEY THINK THE FBI HAD IN THE 50s?
- Rizzo trusts Marty to keep a secret like you’ve known this woman since Kindergarten did you seriously think she’d keep her mouth shut
- siN WAGON
- Danny sings about how Sandy rejected him as if she didn’t have valid reason
- The car race that comes almost out of nowhere but at least it’s better than the musical which had literally no payoff for Greased Lightning at all
- Sandy decides to become a Greaser kinda just because
- Rizzo and Kenickie screwed around at the beginning of the school year but she didn’t realize she wasn’t pregnant until the last day like did she just assume baby bumps weren’t a thing?? Did she think gestation was nine years instead of nine months???? How the hell did this timeline work?? Did they have any sex ed in the 50s?
- i got chILLS
- THEY’RE MULTIPLYING
- AND I’M LOOOOOOOSING CONTROL
- They only start to wonder wtf they’re doing after graduation at the fair celebrating graduation
- If you listen at the end of “We Go Together” you can hear the Chipmunks singing
- THE FUCKING FLYING CAR WAS THAT EVER EXPLAINED
- The fact that High School Musical was originally going to be a second-generation sequel to this